The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15-ish. Called down to the wife and
got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,
face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart; tears were welling in my eyes... Then a moment of pure inspiration... McDonald's do breakfast until 10:30!
Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"
"I did once and he looked really angry."
“Because he was watching through the window.”
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa...
Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!
Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half. It was only when I got to the very top I realized I was still on the bus home.
The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis.