She was in the kitchen preparing the usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only a T-shirt. She turned to him and said softly, "we've got to have sex, right here, right now. He couldn't believe his luck. Without delay they screwed right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thank you", and returned to the stove, her T-shirt ripped and hanging loosely from her body. Happy, but a little puzzled, he asked, "what was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken"!!
Paddy lost his job in the local chip shop.
Murphy goes to the shop to find out why.
The owner says, "I found him with a potato peeler up his arse!"
Murphy says may I see the potato peeler?"
The Owner replied, "No. I fired him as well".
Schoolgirl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from".
Mum replies, "where's that then darling?"
Girl says, "Mummy & Daddy take off their clothes and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and that's how you get babies".
Shaking her head, Mum says, "oh darling that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies, that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes and all the decorating done."
The wife has been missing for 2 weeks now.
The police have told me to prepare for the worst, so I went down to the charity shop and got her clothes back!
I bought the missus some crotch less knickers yesterday.
It had nothing to do with a sexual nature.
It was so that she has a better grip on her broomstick!
Final question at a pub quiz in Glasgow.
"And the final question to win the £200 is; Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two were 'Take That', so what were the other two words in the title?"
There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow man pipes up and asks,
"was it ya bastard?"